Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Dealing With It


8:30 A.M. and Tabor was running late on an already full day. A morning doctor's appointment followed by a ten mile drive and two afternoon meetings. These days she had a second job as back-up for a departing colleague. Two jobs and her time was always overfilled. She wouldn't have been late except for the 6:00 AM phone call. That call resulted in several other phone calls all of which took more precious time. Time she didn't have. Also she was moving slowly and without energy because for some reason she woke up at 2:00 A.M. after just a few hours of sleep. She found herself lying in bed --wide awake. Never really got back to sleep.

The trip to the doctor's was way back in her old neighborhood. Morning rush hour was in full play and she had to squeeze her little car between two big SUVs. Although she was driving back to the old neighborhood, she found it irritating that the new buildings and road changes were confusing. This confusion seemed to happen to her more often these days, and it was irritating. She began to realize that her distracted mind needed to concentrate or she would miss the turn.

Arriving at the doctor's office 20 minutes early gave her time to make some calls to work to let people know of her changed schedule. Too much sympathy and chit chat. Just make sure that the right people get the changes. Just need to get through this day.

She liked this doctor and had gone to him for years. He asked how she was and she provided the usual 'fine.' He didn't really want to know and she didn't really want to start the conversation. Four clinical breast massages later he called the nurse into the room and Tabor took the 'position.' God this was painful this time! It felt as if he was inserting pointed knives. Tabor bit her lip as tears streamed down her face. Doc E. apologized and did try to be more gentle. Tabor commented that getting old was the pits. She knew if she didn't stop these tears they would flow like melting snow. Doc E. asked again if she was OK. Tabor smiled and winced.

It wasn't until she got to the technician who was taking her blood later that the how-are-you question was answered honestly. Tabor was surprised that she was able to say directly to this perfect stranger that her father has passed on last night. Now she had said it three times this morning. Once to her husband, once to the secretary at work and now to this perfect stranger. Since it didn't get any easier, Tabor decided she wasn't going to say it anymore.

Tabor dealt with things in the cliched fashion of not thinking about it, not talking about it, not retrospectively writing about it, not dwelling on it. It was over. The long battle of hospitals and IV's and feeling guilty because her brothers and sister and sister-in-law bore the heavy burden was passing. Tabor felt relief. But she wouldn't tell her family that. They wouldn't think her honest...just cold. She knew that she would be dealing with this in bits and pieces in years to come. But that was the only way she could swallow it right now.

Now for the call to the kids...Tabor realized she had to say it again.


8 comments:

  1. Tabor, I am SO sorry. I hope you have excellent memories of him to sustain you throughout the years. My dad has been gone 12 years, and I miss him nearly every day.

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  2. I am so sad to hear about your father. Middle-angel's and now yours. It will be a hard time for a while. I wish some speedy comfort and peace to come your way soon.

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  3. Anonymous4:36 PM

    Tabor, I am so sorry to hear this. I know how difficult it is to cope with. A lovely photo of your father.
    Thinking about you and sending good vibes your way, as I am not one for prayers.
    You are far from being cold and it's not a small thing to swallow. Don't forget to leave room for sorrow.
    Claude

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  4. I'm sorry for your loss Tabor :( Don't feel guilt because you are NOT cold but real. You will grieve in your own way and it's still a loss. HUGS

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  5. Anonymous7:15 PM

    A big hug to you and yours Tabor.

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  6. I can see the difficulty and pain in sharing the news by the 3rd person "story" format used. I am very sorry to know you are struggling with sadness and so many other feelings which are surfacing for you. Be gentle with yourself right now - you have a life which is busy and which is geographically separated from family. Relief for the end of suffering and the close of related guilt is indeed honest, but more importantly it is healthy and compassionate for all involved. I wish you peace and love as you move through these difficult days. I also hope the pathology reports are good. That has to be painful and scary. Keeping you in my heart.

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  7. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong. We're human, and we all respond differently to hurt.

    No doubt, your dad would be honored by the way you write, by the way you share yourself within this forum. He did a wonderful job raising you.

    Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. May you know no further pain.

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  8. Tabor I'm so very sorry I didn't read this sooner. It wouldn't have done you any real good except that I, like claude (above), would have been sending you some much needed good vibes as well.

    This has to have been one hell of a hard ocean for you to cross. I can only say that I believe I know very well at least some of what you might be feeling. My suggestion is to just go with it. Whatever senses come your way, just ride it out because there is no stopping it - and in time - the waves will subside a bit.

    If you need anything - even a chit-chat ... I'm always on the other end of an email address.

    Warm hugs.

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Take your time...take a deep breath...then hit me with your best shot.