God is Truth

Well, I learned my lesson a few days ago and am composing this blog in MSWord…instead of online. I did several blogs which disappeared into thin air with a Blogger response something like…’Houston, we have a problem, we know it, we are working on it, we won’t get back to you on it…so try again later.” I was so irritated having spent so much time on the blogs. Then I saw that most of my posts to other sites also never made it…although I got no such error message! It is sort of like being in parallel worlds, but we don’t know when the lines converge.

I was reading on of manababies blogs regarding her relationships with close and distant relatives and the death of her grandfather. I have had so many of the same feelings. I am the one blood relative of my immediate family (now that my younger sister passed away) that lives on the East Coast, all the rest of them live in Colorado. They have gone through various stages of their relationships with each other. I have missed it all being out here living my life. I miss that, and while I have tried to keep my children close to them through expensive plane visits over the years and picture exchanges, etc., it is not the same thing as living within driving distance. I often wonder what I have missed and how my feelings for them would be different if we shared more of our lives.

I do know that the death of my sister a few years back really brought us all much closer together. It was the big neon sign on the wall that said ‘Time is passing…How are you living out YOUR life?’ We started emailing more often and trying to make plans together. Then the recent death of my mother brought my sister and I much closer as we went through the process of obituaries, dinners, etc. I began to realize that my sister is a very unspiritual person. She gets irritated by religious myth and really irritated by people who practice religion on holidays and family funerals only. She got into a little spat with my sister-in-law who was raised as a Catholic but doesn’t attend church anymore and hasn’t for decades. My sister-in-law at the last minute wanted to have us ‘light a candle’ for mom at a church in downtown Denver. She clearly wanted us to go with her. I am pretty anti-Catholic…but only for myself. What others believe, what ‘myth’ they follow, that is their choice. Clearly my sister felt this was very hypocritical of my sister-in-law and said she was going to stay home and finish the obituary for the newspaper. This was not a word fight—just subtle tension one notices under the service. I saw my sister-in-law’s request a little differently. I didn’t see it as my sister-in-law trying to take control of stuff or being hypocritical, just maybe a calling deep inside her from a prior Catholic life to do something symbolic. I went with her and actually felt it might be good for me in some spiritual way. Unfortunately it was Sunday with back to back masses and so we sat through a mass and didn’t get to light a candle as we had to leave early. (The sermon was on the ‘dictatorial relativism’ that was pervading our society…the priest was clearly talking to all the liberals such as I at the service.)

My brother (the conservative one) was with Mom when she died. She passed in a matter of an hour or so, he and Dad were the only ones there. He says that she squeezed his hand and looked up at him, briefly and smiled just be fore she died. I am assuming that she actually did that, as I don’t think he would be trying to make it easy for us. Mom was cremated at her request. We had a small viewing at the funeral home for immediate family but no funeral or memorial service. The big family dinner was mostly people looking at pictures and reminiscing. It was not a formal sit-down but a buffet at my brother’s home. There was no real opportunity for words to be spoken in memory of my mother. Clearly some of the old Italian relatives there were confused about the informality of it all. My dad was probably relieved as he hates ceremony of any kind. I wished there had been an opportunity which forced me to say something…but I am getting more Buddhist and realize that the center of me is at peace and what surrounds me and what decisions are made outside do not need to be fought over. Not in this instance anyway. My mom knows I loved her, my family saw me give six weeks to her care and they know I loved her, I spent many hours with her, so I am at peace and do not need symbolism to solidify it. On the other hand, if we would have had a funeral Mass, I could have dealt with that process also. The priest would have called my views here dictatorial relativism…nope, it is truth. An as Ghandi said, God is truth.

Man and the Center of the Universe

I am currently reading "Ismael: An adventure of the mind and spirit" by Daniel Quinn. It was featured in book stores back in 1992 when I bought it and I am just now getting around to reading it after finding it on the bottom of a book shelf. (Amazing what packing your household belongings will unearth.)

The story premise is sophisticated, but the dialogue between the two characters and the character development is not, so I am a little disappointed. The theme appears to be all about Man seeing himself as the Center of the Universe and the problem with that premise.

Along these lines, I attended a lecture today by a scientist from the Smithsonian Institution who works with dingoflagellates and other small stuff in the marine environment. His research is all about the algae that causes algal blooms (i.e. red tides, etc.) in the bays and oceans. This research has uncovered through the years new knowledge that what was once thought as cellular parts of an algal organism is in reality a parasite that later emerges (Alien style) and takes over the algal organism. The speaker showed an actual video on this process and it does emerge exactly like the Alien did from the human gut!! (This is, of course, an oversimplification of his decades of research, as he has discovered lots more interesting stuff...but my point and I do have a point...)

Ok, what is my point here? Well, one of the questions from the audience was 'how can we use this information on algal parasites to control the growth of the "bad" algal blooms' and this question was coupled with another question about the new research on non-indigenous oysters also being introduced to the Chesapeake Bay for much of the same reason--control of algal growth. This scientist, in spite of his love of research and desire to culture the parasites and watch them interact with the algae, made a clear and important point. This control approach was all about treating the symptoms of the disease in our oceans and not preventing the disease.

And I guess my statement here is that mankind causes much of the earth's problems and then spends much intellectual effort trying to control the universe to fix these problems which he alone has caused. All he has to do is stop causing the problem in the first place.

(For those of you not into science, we need to control the agriculture runoff, cattle allowed to wade into streams, building and development inland, toilet flushing, car driving, global warming etc. and the algal problem in our oceans will diminish greatly. Of course, this does mean some economic sacrifice on our part--duh.)

The Bible says that man was put in dominion over the plants and the animals. I don't think so. They seem to get the rhythm of life without our interference. We are the ones that keep screwing up!

OK. Enough blogging. Just glad to get access back after days.

Just a sleepy smile.

It is a weakness, I know.

Ok, only one little story. Daughter, C, called this evening to tell me that Xman was smiling in his sleep, which he sometimes does, only this time he 'giggled, chuckled' a little. He is only four weeks old, now. He definitely has the personality of my daughters mother-in-law. She is such a sweet upbeat person! I will post a smiling shot soon. I will also keep these cute stories under control. Think back to that first love affair where you doodled in your notebook, you paced in your room and if you were driving you had to drive by his/her house whenever possible. (Unless you were a really lost soul and your first love affair was with a celebrity.) Anyway, you can forgive me.

Happy Mother's Day!

(Thought I would share this from my office email)

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby .........

Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal," is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ...

Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring ......

Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good."

Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices .....

Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.

Somebody never helped a fourth grader with her math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.

Somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books ......

Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery ....
Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back .....

Somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married ....

Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home ...

Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her ......

Somebody isn't a mother.

The Constant Traveler

Full Fathom Five’'s recent post was about travel. She was ‘looking back’ sort of freeze-framing her life before her travel to England to visit a sister. She was reviewing all the negatives and positives about travel. I have traveled so much in my lifetime and to many different countries, sometimes for a short business trip or vacation, sometimes for a longer stay (a month) and sometimes to live (years). In each instance there was some negative and some positive experiences. Even today I will still get a little concerned about missing the flight, getting a seat, finding my destination when I arrive. But if I have traveled within a few months, this concern is very small and at the back of my mind.

If it has been almost a year or longer since I traveled, my concerns do have a tendency to grow. If I travel with my husband, the concern lessens greatly, because there are two minds on the details.

Travel in some ways is easier and some ways more difficult than it used to be. The new security measures where you have to remove jackets, shoes, handbags is a hassle. Those of us who are older try to get the shoes and jackets back on speedily - but it is with some effort. In addition, having to keep a boarding pass and ID out and ready increases greatly the chance that you will drop it or leave it somewhere. (Several times I have actually put the damn things in my mouth in order to put on shoes or jacket. This is something the security people just love to see, as you can imagine.)

The easier part of travel has to do with the technology. I actually made my recent reservation to visit my family after my mother’'s death by talking to a computer at United via telephone. I was able to get a ticket and give it my membership number and VISA, etc. without much problem! When I arrived at the airport passengers now check in at an electronic kiosk and don'’t get to a human being unless you have to check bags (as some of you now know). The only other time you talk to an airline person before boarding is if you need to get a seat assignment or if someone frisks you. I envision a future where we deal with NO staff until the stewardess appears at our seat.

The travel process changes so often that I am amazed people seem to get through it as easily as they do.

My boss just returned from a conference in Belgium. She was delayed by weather to New York and missed her international flight along with a number of other people and had to stay overnight in a nearby hotel. She told me about an Arabic woman (elderly) that traveled from Florida and was heading back to her home in Saudi Arabia. She spoke no English. A young man from Africa took sympathy with her, seeing her struggling with the flight changes and the lack of Delta Airlines support, and actually got her bags at another area, rechecked them and her into another flight and sat with her until she could board, before he headed off for a hotel since his flight was also delayed! I guess this little story shows that in spite of the technology, human citizenship is still an important element.

Travel is always an "Alice in Wonderland" experience. The stress either makes you grow or shrink. Remember that!

Back on that swing called LIFE

I am back from the memorial and may post on it when I have digested all that happened. It was NOT sad...well, not lots of sad...just little times. It was actually very therapeutic. I am closer to my baby sister and my baby brother and still like my Republican other brother in spite of his schizophrenic approaches. You can read about parental death and talk to others about their experiences, but it is just like getting married or having children. Until you do it, you don't really understand what it is all about and even then each person's experience is so unique that it is hard to translate to others. (This is why I am hesitant to discuss spirituality--it is so unique and private.)

I do so appreciate the comments and emails from those bloggers in my neighborhood. They are most comforting and let me know that there are still people in the world who actually think about and care about others...including ephemeral souls that only exist in the bytedom to me.

I am having dinner with friends that we haven't seen in months tonight.

Tomorrow I am taking dinner to the parents of that new love of my life. What an affair I am having with him and how I missed him when I went out to Colorado!

I wish you all falling pink petals and cool breezes. (Whoops, is that a little to Oprah for you?)

Another Milestone

I never read anywhere that when you hit your late fifties or early sixties in age, after the kids move out and start their own lives, you get five minutes of down time. You get a weekend to assess where you are in life and where you want to be. Then you are thrust on the life time roller coaster called "Milestone a Minute." Because stuff happens so fast, you don't get much time to dwell on the meaning of it all. Maybe next year...

Mom passed away at 4:00 AM this morning. I am relieved, of course. I keep running scenarios through my mind of how hard it was for all the siblings and wonder who was there, etc. While she had difficulty breathing, it was a peaceful passing. Of course, I regret that I was not there to say goodbye, but I am not going to beat myself up over this. This regret is all about me, not others. I was there for my mother-in-law years ago, so maybe I helped someone through this gate.

Dad wants me out (at least that's what Sis says). So, even though there is no funeral or memorial planned, I am flying out this late afternoon to go through another milestone in my life. I get to be a bulwark or maybe a better word would be a stanchion? My philosophy is always One Day at a Time and one more long airplane ride.

Free Tuesday

When 'one' gets busy with back-to-back meetings at the office, 'one' should not eat the yogurt in the early afternoon that was brought for breakfast eating. If you do, you will find yourself up all night with a belly ache and 'pooaereah.' The good thing is that now it is almost 11:00 and I feel much better.

BUT, I am not going into work. One, I don't want to. Two, it will take an hour or longer to find parking at this time of the day--even though I have paid parking in the garage! Three, I have a life. Right now it involves more packing. (I want this second to the last move (for a while) done, done, done.) I need interior decorating, I need gardening, I need space for hobbies, I need a yard to play with my grandson! I will hold my breath for another 10 months, but I should be on a totally new track by that time or I will be going crazy. I am not good living in limbo and waiting for distant deadlines. I am one of those annoying people that get stuff done ahead of time so that I can hurry up and wait. I am a nester and need a long term nesting place.

Then again in a second thought, I keep wondering if I will adjust to the sound of quiet broken by the little birdsong or wind in the trees, and the view of trees and more trees out my window. Or, will I miss the sound of my neighbors children playing in the street, the sound of morning traffic on the nearby freeway (and sirens) and the quick walk to the Post Office or grocery store?

This is what spring is all about. But, it lasts only a few days here.

The Old Apple Tree

More future apples. These apples all go into the tummy of the resident squirrels. I had pruned it hard last year, since it looked diseased and this year it is rewarding me with tons of blossoms.

Future apples. This is one of the apple trees outside my kitchen window. I have yet to eat an apple from it.

Firefox is a little too foxy for me!

I am not losing my mind and my son is not a sloppy surfer. I found the problem here. Unfortunately none of the extension downloads are working for me! So now I am going to Opera and will keep that as my browser with links so when this happens again with Firefox, which for some it has, I will be safer!!!!

My work of art from Color Me Mine. The day I spent with daughter two weeks ago. This is pretty primitive, but since it is the very first bisque pottery I have ever glazed, I am proud I got it done. Lesson learned is when they say three coats and let it dry between three coats, they really mean that! I have lots of rough spots.

Strange Saturday Morning

I sat down at the computer this morning after getting Hubby off to Hawaii and decided to surf some blogs on the net. I brought up my Firefox browser and lo and behold got that first-time user window asking if I wanted to use the 'default' profile. I clicked yes and then got a response that the default profile is ' in use do you want to create a new one?' Heck,yes.. lets just get on the Internet here. I put in my name as the new profile and then discovered that I no longer have access to the thousand or so bookmarks I have carefully created on my PC because I am a new user of the browser.

I went 'exploring' for them across my harddrive without luck. i imported bookmarks from the IE browser which I rarely use and got back about 30-40% of some of the stuff. Can't find my blog friends links, my garden links, shopping, reading, writing...UGH!

So I went on my blog to at least add the commenters from the last year or so. It was then that I discovered two of the older blogs which I hadn't visited in a while have gone into the black hole of bytedom. Another blogger had said goodbye last month, so there was some closure to that, but it is strange to find that bloggers whom you shared ideas with are now gone, and it is really forever, because you are not going to accidentally bump into them again and recognize them like you do neighbors who have moved away.

What the h.... did my son do to my computer yesterday that lost all the bookmarks?

This little mockingbird was too shy to pose forward. But I took his picture anyway!

And now an afterdinner walk to work off the calories.

Salmon dinner cooked by husband. He made it up! Tasted great.

Real Simple, if only it were...

My daughter got me a subscription to the magazine "Real Simple' which is the new, younger generation's version of Good Housekeeping or Redbook I am surmising. It is thick with lots of ads as well as articles (although most of the articles are about stuff you can buy). When I was in Junior High we had a project where we got our favorite magazine (mine was probably Seventeen) and we were told to paste paper over all the advertisements. It was a good illustration of the huge percentage that any magzine devotes to ads and the very little bit of information articles for the money you spend. But, I digress.

My daughter makes lots of money ( I am guessing about $9o,000 or $100,000 when you add bonuses. She has only been working about four years! Her husband makes a little more.) Those golden handcuffs are hard to give up. She is planning on going back to work in three months, but I already see the pain in her eyes when this is brought lightly into the conversation. We live in an area where a standard three bedroom house is about $400,000. There is lots of pressure to work. I wish that I was going to be living nearby as this would make the decision easier, but I am not.

In the May issue of Real Simple it is fortuitous (maybe) that there was an article titled "What's a Mother to do?" It covers the debate over whether a woman should return to work or stay at home after the birth of a child. They interview four women with their grown daughters and each have chosen different paths. I find this article so interesting because it really touches a sensitive cord with me. I stayed at home with both children until the youngest was ten. I was not rich, but I was also NOT poor. I didn't have to work. We didn't eat out, go to movies, and I only had two outfits for church. But these were not sacrifices in my mind.

The sacrifices for me were falling behind in my career and never really making the better salary, spending time without adults for endless days which is really hard, missing out on a creative side of my self that I had to shelve and the long hours - working seven days a week. The good stuff was knowing my children were being raised by someone who would die for them, someone who was close to their gene pool and therefore understood them, and getting to see all that wonderful special stuff that children show as they reach each new challenge.

There are no good choices. The magazine article seems to make it appear that there is no wrong way. But I think that oversimplifies. There is really no right way either. Whichever road you choose, you make important and long-term sacrifices. And the idiocy in this debate is that most women do not have a choice!

Sweet to the point of sickening

Yeah, yeah, grandmothers can be so annoyingly in love. Get a grip, there is more to life. (No there's not!)

Today her in-laws are driving in from out of state to spend the night. Brother-in-law is staying with his family at a nearby hotel and mom and dad-in-law are staying with them. So I am giving them lots of space to enjoy and I will be running my own personal errands (of which I have many on this beautiful Saturday) and then on Sunday we go down late P.M. and I will clean the house for her. Aren't I just the best ;-)?

I promise next blog will be about something important and will have my usual succinct and insightful thoughts.

The most beautiful person in the world today!

I can see! I can see!

I felt like the invisible man the last few days, but lo and behold, Blogger has redeployed my 'One Day" website. I can view it! I was afraid to try a complete re-do of the website thinking it would do some weird reformat or something and all the files would go into the nether regions of bytedom.

While technology was glitching, I do have a real life and was busy with my daughter and new grandson! He was born at 8:23 PM on April 5 after 9 hours of labor. (Obstetrician said due date was April 10 and it would not be born on time, so they set a date for induction on April 20. Even with all this new science doctors are still just making educated guesses.) My son, the baby's uncle, has nicknamed the little guy Xman and since the parents don't seem to mind, that is what he will be for a while. I cannot begin to describe all the feelings going through me. Watching my hulking son hold his tiny nephew was priceless.

It IS just like riding a bike. All the baby stuff comes flooding back and I feel very comfortable going into grandma mode for my first one. I spent all day yesterday baking casseroles, desserts, vegetables dishes, etc. and then we packed it all and took it to the new parents' house. They were discharged from the hospital around noon and when we got to their home at 4:30 PM all three were out like hibernating bears. The baby fell asleep in my arms and I held him for at least 2 and half hours, just couldn't put him down.

I think the new daddy is in the most shock. He had no idea that this would involve so many details in life and so much lack of sleep. But he is so much in love with this new person, he has no complaints. My daughter, on the other hand, seems a little more laid back. She is working hard on breast feeding, and when I remember the ups and downs I had with that, I can empathize. Fortunately, it all worked out and I was able to breast feed both of them for almost a year.

Today hubby is back at work full time for the first time since his operation. I think he got a burst of energy from holding his grandson.

We are going for a drive this afternoon to me with our builder and look at the draft of the adjusted plans. Things are going slower than we hoped and I will blog why on my house building blog.

In between all of the above and my work I am driving around the city looking for a condo or coop with my son. He did bid on one condo in a nice young area of town, but lost out to someone who bid 30% over the selling price with an added escalation clause. Is this real estate market ride ever going to end?

Well, this weekend, I hope to get some of my own stuff done.

Pre Mother's Day Celebration

Today is the day my very pregnant daughter has set aside for some activity with me as a mother’s day thing. She will be a new mother herself on the actual Mother’s Day. She is showing up about noon and bringing a 'light' lunch. Then we are off to some secret activity. Weather is miserable and it has been pouring rain on and off all night and should continue throughout the day. I hope this does not interfere with our plans. Actually, just getting to spend most of the day one on one with her is worth all the gold in the world to me. Spending time with those you love where you can focus on each others ideas and plans is so rare in a busy life and I know as her life gets busier, it will be much rarer.

We (Hubby, son and I) have been looking at condos to purchase since we have to move out of our rental house in a few months. My son is pretty stressed as he wants his own place, and at his age really does need his space. We are giving him his 'wedding money' and then loaning him another $10k and I think it will result in him buying a one bedroom for just himself. Real estate here is outrageous and without our help, he would find it very difficult to purchase anything. His job now seems stable and he has paid off all of his debt except for some of his low interest student loans. He is almost 27 and certainly does need breathing room. He works the night shift and seems stressed about not meeting any 'smart' girls with this schedule. He indicated to H. that he doesn't have too many years left to meet the right girl at his age and living in a better (echo generation) neighborhood would help. (I wish I knew why his old girlfriend broke up with him. They made a really good couple.)

In addition, since I have to work in this area much longer before my retirement, Hubby and I are stressing about whether buying a condo for ourselves or just continuing renting an apartment is the best solution. Since I will only be up here two to three nights a week, renting a place seems such a waste of money. We can commute if all else fails, but I would have to work less hours in the day since the commute is 1 1/2 hours each way. Buying a condo is a big financial commitment for that time period and means we will be pretty poor which I am saving even more towards retirement. Then I would spend the rest of each week in our new home. H. is going back and forth about just exactly when he would retire...he has a much more flexible financial situation. And all of this has to come to a head by JULY! H. and son are looking at more places this weekend.

I met with a downtown realtor this week and son and I looked at two places. They were both supposed to be two bedroom. One was one of these brand new ‘New York style’ loft condos. It had granite and stainless steel kitchen, pedestal sinks, sliding etched glass doors between the rooms, and big windows looking outside. Sounds great doesn’t it. Well, it was way outside out price range (over $460K) and really awful for living while nice for showing. The size of the whole condo was only 800 square feet the second bedroom had no privacy and the closet was the size of small broom closet. The bathrooms while new had no cabinets or even floor space for storage cabinets. The dining area was a sitting area and food prep area all in one. And the windows looked out over a car repair lot and run down industrial area! So much for the styles in New York! The second place was in an older building, cheaper in price, but much more charming, about 1200 square feet. The kitchen was a disaster with really old appliances, and there was absolutely no place to park anywhere near the building which would be a crisis for my son a 2:00 AM.

I so look forward to the time when my life is once again in a rut.

Asking for Advice

I have a sweet niece who lost her mother to cancer when she was only 13, she is now 16. She lives on the other side of the continent from me. Her father owns a decent amount of rental income property in California in addition to getting a salary from his job, so money is not an issue in this girl's life...although her father can be somewhat miserly.

Anyway, I send her emails and cards and see her on some holidays. She rarely responds to these including not sending thank you notes even though she likes us and is sweet to us when we briefly get together face to face over rare holidays.

This morning I got an email from her (actually from Urbanoutfitters registry) telling me what she would like for her upcoming birthday. (SHE REGISTERED for her birthday?) Then she sent a follow-up email, after months of not hearing from her, telling me a little about what is happening in her life and then joking about her upcoming birthday.

I will certainly send her a birthday gift, but I am concerned about the parental guidance she needs in this...should I scold her about not communicating for long periods of time?...should I remind her that I didn't get a thank you for the Christmas gift and have no idea if she liked it? I have never wanted to be one of those sanctimonious aunts...but the girl has a somewhat absent father in terms of providing her social guidance...he is also busy dating someone else right now. And I know how distracting that can be to the male animal.

Resurrect the Weekend

My daughter called at work and said that her in-laws were driving in from out-of-state on Sunday and wanted to get together with all of us for early dinner or late lunch. She suggested that we try to find a place near where we live incase H. gets too tired and has to head home to rest his neck, which I thought was a good idea.

I suggeted Eggspectations or Macaroni Grill which are downtown and five minutes from the house. Niether is very special but they are close, food is good, service is excellent and prices are fine. Well her husband nixed that because they are not "fancy" enough. After talking to my daughter we determined that there are NO 'fancy' restaurants where we live so we will have to go at least 30 minutes away for a fancier restaurant. This resulted in her spending a lot more time on the phone trying to get last minute reservations so that we would not have to stand in line which H. can't do for long periods of time.

I asked why it had to be a "fancy" restaurant since her husband's parents are regular folk and not inclined to spend large sums of money. "Mom, it's Easter weekend...and J. wants to go someplace nice with his parents."

OK, so it doesn't make any sense to me what Easter has to do with fancy restaurants and why sacrifice on his good Catholic part so that my H. can be comfortable is not a Christian gesture. I am not mad, just another reason why I will probably never get back into this religion thing. I keep hitting these brick walls with the very devout. It ends being what you think you should do, or how you look doing it, and not about what you are doing and why. I realize that all religious people are not like this, but I keep running into the shallow ones.

It's a BIG picture thing with me. God, if he is there, is sooo much larger than the sum of the parts of this universe. If we just tried to be more God-like or like we think he/she is then life would make more sense.

Can't Sleep...

H. who is way off his sleep schedule now since he slept in until 10:30 this morning, came to bed after watching some TV movie at about 11:30 tonight. Then he got back up twenty minutes later because he thought he heard some voices arguing in the street...well, guess who is now sleeping ever so deeply and who after being woken twice can't get back to sleep?

I got up and heated some milk. This is more a ritualistic habit since I don't really find it helps me sleep better So, I guess I will either make crank phone calls or blog. This blogging should be full of errors since I left my glasses on my nightstand rather than grub around for them and wake him up. Thank goodness for the enlarge text feature on windows.

I am sitting in the computer room surrounded by a half dozen boxes packed with books and office supplies and photo stuff. I have a dried flower arrangement on the shelf in front of me that I need to donate to the office. It is too nice to throw away. I bought it to decorate my office in my prior job. I had this really large office with lots of room for desk, credenza, bookshelves. When I accepted this new job at another agency five years ago, I got a promotion, but I also am in a tiny tiny cubicle. I get a window, but this cubicle is really the size of a closet and it is constantly a mess since I can't organize papers from projects or get stuff filed fast enough.

H. also got a bunch of nice plants that will get donated since there are no places for plants in this rental house.

My son has already moved his extensive audio equipment and two computers to a friends basement where they are working on his music. So, at least this room looks like we are making progress. Now only the bedroom, bathroom living room, dining room, kitchen and basement to go. Boy is this going to be fun!

My son is not too thrilled about us living with him in a condo for quite a while longer. It just can't be helped. But he needs his privacy and I did tell him he could go off on his own at any time. But, he knows that it is in his best interest to go in on co-ownership of this condo. He cannot afford anything in this crazy real estate market on his own. I keep reading articles that say the real estate market is leveling off, or going to crash or still going to climb for years ahead due to demand. Clearly none of the 'experts' have a clue.

Well, guess I will head back to bed and try to sleep. I have my cleaning friend coming at 9:30 this morning...so can't make a mistake of sleeping in.

Rainy Wednesdays but with Good News

Took the morning off from work to take hubby to the therapist. He still is not supposed to drive while on the drugs. (I think that he will be able to drive this weekend though.) The therapist DIDN'T schedule any therapy sessions! He said hubby was in such good shape and had such great flexibility that it would be a waste of time to try to improve in a 'clinical' atmosphere. So, he gave him some exercises to do once a day at home for a while and then every other day. He said that hubby had the best recovery he had every seen in a patient! Needless to say hubby is on cloud 9. He is also already on the phone to his office starting work via phone.

H. said something strange on the drive to the therapist. He said that he hadn't really realized how complicated a marriage relationship was and how important it was to share your life with the right person. (See, staying home for two weeks to wait on him hand and foot rang a bell somewhere ;-). He had been feeling very vulnerable and was so dependent on my thinking for day to day decisions in addition to just providing daily care for him.

I guess we women have felt the 'vulnerable' mode more often by virtue of the barriers to our gender. I also think women are more willing to compromise and sacrifice in an immediate time and worry about the ramifications down the road. We want the problems worked out. That is probably why we get stuck in bad marriages as we think if just compromise a little longer it will work itself out.

This is the same view only funky,,,

Sundays with the Oldfolks

I gave hubby the day off today. I have been making him walk two to three miles every morning and then maybe another mile in the P.M. Actually 'making' is not the word; 'Motivating" is the better word, because he really wants to get out and stretch and test his strength. He is still napping mornings and evenings between the walks. Today I let him sleep in until 9:00 after which he got up on his own, showered, shaved and then ate my breakfast of cut oranges, biscuits and honey, bacon and hot tea--not exactly traditional, but I was trying to use up stuff.

Late this P.M. he is listening to Bocelli and snoozing on the couch...not really napping. I am making fish fillets, tarragon beans and fried potatoes with garlic for dinner. We will probably have ice cream for dessert. I am sipping a Chardonnay (which those of you who visit my wine blog know is not my favorite...will rate this one later.) This is starting to sound like a restaurant menu blog.

Anyway, I spent the day packing bookshelves in the basement, doing laundry, and working on the Paintshop Pro 9 version for which I have a 60 day free download. Maybe I will buy the upgrade...haven't decided. I'll upload one of the many photos I was working on for your perusal.

Hubby and I did take a short walk this P.M. just before the first thunderstorm in months came briefly through. It left some lovely sunshine patterns and sky colors before the gray sunset. It was nice hearing thunder after the long winter. Birds are just absolutely crazy singing with mating passion and establishing territory. Hubby heard one lovely piercing song that we didn't recognize as it was lower down in a tree behind a house. But, it did perk his interest.

Well, buzzer has gone off...so must set out food.

"Yes, yes, yes!" she said with an orgasmic smile.

Something fun from our walk around the lake this afternoon. I thought I did a nice job of framing.

An update

For those of you who are asking, we are making it down that healing trail and slowly returning to normalcy. The horror of having the back part of six vertebrae removed is being replaced with that healing sensation of itching along the 6 inch incision and the ability to shower by one's self.

I am slowly attempting a reduction in drug use and he seems to be handling it. Although he is still sleeping a LOT! But like the energizer bunny he is, when he is up, he is going strong.

Today I start to pack books from all of our book shelves as that first prep in our move which comes in July. I am getting so good at this... This is in addition to the dozens of boxes of books we have packed in the basement. Books are the one thing I will not part with!

Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood?

We currently rent a small house just off a very busy intersection and a few blocks from a huge magnet school. (A 'magnet" school is a school that is placed in a poor neighborhood and offers a very specialized science, math, arts or other program to attract students from other parts of the city, and theoretically to officer a better education to inner city kids...I don't think it works, but that is another blog.)

I took my husband for a walk near a lake and on the way back drove into the nearby gas station to get some gas. About 40 students were congregated near the bus stop on the corner. They were about 70% black, 25% Latino, and 5% white from my quick survey. Everyone was dressed in large hanging black clothes, as if they belonged to the same private school or club. They all looked in their early teens. They were loud, active and truly enjoying the beginning of spring and those flowing hormones. I proceeded to fill up my car.

Suddenly 5 or six of the black boys ran through the gas station, laughing and looking back. Some of the other kids called out to them. There was no aura of danger or anger...just noisy kids. Then a police car came around the corner and drove into the gas station and parked just in front of my car. Another large police officer appeared from the bus station corner walking behind the kids with a flak jacket on. The kids were like a large anemone...they instantly shrunk into little black mounds and watched quietly for their bus.

I finished getting gas, and squeezed past the police car and out onto the busy road. As I turned the corner past where the bus stop was, I had to make a wide right turn as three more police cars were parked with lights flashing in that lane of the busy street.

I couldn't see anything happening or even any police talking to the kids. I am guessing that it was gang related and that the police are on alert that time of the day in the spring...who knows. I have always lived in a middle-class white neighborhood (except for when I lived in various countries overseas) and so I am totally ignorant of this stuff! I do know that my son who is a BIG 26-year-old guy, never goes to the fast food places past this bus stop between 3:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon because of all the kids hanging out after school.

I was never afraid during this incident...just curious. They look like nice normal kids to me. But, maybe they have issues.

This is the beauty on my kitchen table this morning in the sunshine. It is so voluptuous that it should probalby be wearing a veil.

This was a photo I took on an early spring hike in the Virginia mountains last year. It is still inviting, isn't it?

Something to pass the time and tell me about yourself.

OK--cut and past and email me some of your answers.

My 10 Cups of Blogging Espresso Meme (with my answers):

1. What is your favorite food…money no object?

French chocolate truffles

2. Speaking of money, what do you think is a comfortable monthly salary?

$4,000

3. How old were you at your first clear memory?

13 months, I remember learning to walk.

4. What is your greatest fear?

That I or someone I love could die in pain.

5. How old were you when you first fell in love?

Ten

6. Do you think life is worth it and why or why not?

What’s the alternative?

7. What is your favorite creative activity?

Photography

8. What is your favorite thinking activity?

Reading non-fiction

9. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Italy

10. Are you happiest when with people or alone?

With people but only for a while.

What's a Four Letter Word to Alleviate Pain?

I haven't posted to the Weekly Wino in some time. What with hubby on strong meds I guess only one of us can safely feel no pain at this time. Maybe I should change the name to Weakly Wino. What do you think?

I have been spending lots of time upstairs sitting or laying in bed next to hubby. He is doing very well, but since he has the personality and energy level of the Energizer Bunny, I can see that he is not anywhere near his usual self yet. He moves stiffly and if he sits up for more than 10 or fifteen minutes the pain starts to increase. Yet he will walk around the room for 10 minutes at a time when he can.

Friends and co-workers have sent flowers and plants and they are now taking up so much space, my son knocked one of them over yesterday. The flowers really boost hubby's spirits though.

Talking him into his second shower this morning took some effort. He is so frustrated in that the pain medication and the tranquilizer cut down on muscle spasms. When I asked him how he was feeling yesterday, he joked, "Just great...I can't swallow, I can't pee and I can't shit. Other than that I am fine." He doesn't swear, so I knew the drugs were working.

I am trying to keep busy doing short projects around the hosue so that I can keep checking on him. I don't want him moving around unless I am there to keep an eye on his progress. These drugs are really strong.

I am calling the doctor tomorrow on what we can do this coming week to get him up and going. I cannot believe that he is planning a business trip to Hawaii in a month!

Actually Taking it One Day at a Time

Hubby came home within 36 hours! They gave him the option of staying on one more day and he immediately said he wanted to get back to his bed at home. Of course! They cut the back of the bone away from 6 vertebrae. It is amazing to me that your neck can still hold your head up after a surgery like that...but it does!

He is on lots of drugs but in very good spirits. I spend most of my time running up and downstairs with food, news, etc. He got his first shower today...that was fun. He was actually trying to be modest while I washed him. This is so strange since the first five years or so of our married life we showered together!

Well, I am so lucky that my boss at work has totally supported this time off, once again. Unfortunately, my mom had a small stroke yesterday and now they have moved her to a hospital bed with a catheter. If spring wasn't just around the corner I would feel very old.

Here is another photo just beside the Koi pond. It was later in spring.

This was my back yard at my old house. I had some great roses to cut every year.

Hanging in Until the Last Round

I am not exactly an optimist. I am more of a tenacious fighter who hangs on no matter what happens. I refuse to lose. Months before the 9/11 tragedy, one of my younger sisters emailed me that she had skin cancer. They couldn't find the original mole but it had moved into her lymph glands in her legs. This bad news was followed by the attacks in New York.

That winter I began having back problems. It seemed that some days I was in so much pain, I didn't want to get out of bed. I began to understand what depression truly was and felt myself spiraling downward.

All of this happening over just a few months began to wear on me, but I got angry. I went out to visit my sister and tried to send her optimistic thoughts and also started an intense exercise program to get my back in shape. I was told that I had just a touch of arthritis and there was nothing that could be done. Well, my back returned to much less pain but my sister died that summer.

We sold our house the following spring and it was a very traumatic time as the buyer was a smart real estate woman who kept claiming more and more from us until finally we had to go to a lawyer to get the whole thing to stop. She got the house and we got peace of mind--for a while.

We moved into a rental house that flooded three times that summer---the wettest in history on the East Coast. After much midnight mopping and the loss of some of our "worldly" possessions, we broke the lease and moved once again into another little house. Things calmed down... for a while.

This past fall my mother got ill and this winter, as you readers know, she began to die. Upon my return from putting her in hospice we learned that my husband had stenosis of the spine and needed surgery on four of his vertebrae. The surgery is this morning.

Our landlady cannot renew our lease, and so, in four months we have to find a new temporary place to live incurring all the costs and time of packing and moving once again! Probably buying a condo with our son and absorbing all the costs that entails...working longer and not being able to retire as early.

Last night as I lay in bed, I began to think of all these stresses. It seems my life had been so calm and normal before. Maybe this is now normal life and I lived in some pathetic dream time before. I don't know, but I am still fighting. Only now I am getting a little tired.

Passing the time

Surgery on hubby's neck is tomorrow at 11:45. He is nervous since he has never been in a hospital for any type of surgery and he knows enough anatomy to drive himself nuts. He took an hour walk before dinner because he just couldn't sit still.

Right now after dinner he is walking to the supermarket to buy stuff--one of which is Dial soap which they say he needs to use when he showers since it leave the least residue.

This is going to be a rough night.!

The Blogging Neighborhood

I have been surfing blogs and routinely stumble on ones that I like to read and/or find something in common with and post a comment to them. Surfing blogs is like taking a walk in a field outside the city. You come across all kinds of stuff. Gum wrappers, dog droppings, pages of advertisement from a magazine and then every once in a while you find a lovely page from someone's diary or a photograph of a thousand words or a lovely piece of jewelry or an extremely strange and exotic plant.

I find myself attracted to boomer bloggers because I have something in common with the history of their life. But I also find that I am attracted to the young married guitar player, the five brothers who work in geekdom, the young owl, mom's with babies and teenagers...all of which keep me linked to the people in my real life that I love.

Then, because I have traveled so much in my life I am always intrigued by those who live around the world and are able to blog in English...so that I can maybe show that Americans are indeed more complex than the sum of their parts.

Blogging is certainly going to change the world in so many ways. Some which will be surveyed and measured...but I think there are going to be many private stories of change that will never get recorded.

Anyway, I need to start thinking about changing the links on my blogsite to add some of the other blogs I visit regularly. Just think, each of us will create our own electronic neighborhood. The good thing is that we won't have to put up with crabby old lady next door or those drunken newlyweds that fight all the time. We can design our neighborhood exactly the way we want to.

My Datsun Sportscar

During the summer that I was taking one last class before getting my teaching degree in Colorado, I went to the car dealership with my Dad and bought a car. Since I didn't have any money, I got that American right of passage called a car loan.

The red Datsun in the previous picture was the car I bought. I thought that summer that my dates should increase exponentially---just like guys do. (I really must have looked good in that car.) But my date situation was just as stale as all the prior months. Go figure.

This, by the way, was the only car I have ever bought on time. I learned well from my parents and every other car that I have purchased in my lifetime I have paid in cash. Now that I have that habit, making a car payment would make me very ill.

My first car.

The Numbers Game.

According to Andrew Tobias " 111,111,111 times 111,111,111 equals 12345678987654321"...Don't ask my why I find this so interesting on an early Tuesday morning.

A really easy salad to make.

Baby Showers

I am off this afternoon with my sweet little girl to her baby shower. None of my side of the family will be there since they live so far away...but that's OK as she has tons of friends...should be a good group of people.

I am bringing the crib quilt which I finished. (Her father and I got her a very nice glider rocker and ottaman already.) I also am supposed to bring "something for the Baby Wishing Well." I asked at work what the heck this was and no one in my generation seemed to have a clue. Is it money, savings bonds?? I have wrapped a small picture frame and a CD of lullabies.

I also made a nice little platter of pears and cheese for the luncheon.

The Megapode Bird

(Link to a website is in the post title) This fellow weighs a little less than a pound and is not a beautiful bird to look at. He/she looks like a brown ugly chicken. He is VERY VERY shy and although we lived there for years I only caught shadowy glimpses of them. If I remember correctly, their sound is that of a very cautious chicken clucking a warning. I would try to follow that sound as I crossed one of the islands. Because they were so hard to observe, I was always fascinated with them.

They have heavy thick legs which they use to build nests on the ground. These nest are quite large and if you come on one, it looks like a pile of compost in the middle of the island. Thus the strong legs. The chicks don't have an 'egg-tooth' and use the strong legs to kick out of the shell. The heat from the next is what allows the eggs to incubate and then hatch. Thus, sometimes they are called the incubator bird.

Since their nests are at ground level, they are subject to all kinds of predation and exposure. Therefore, they are really endangered. When I lived there, which was decades ago, their habitat was under pressure. I hate to think what has happened over the years and now with this television show... Maybe when I retire I can do some kind of volunteer effort to help the cause of protecting them.

Conveniences of Modern Life

As commented, electricity and running water are 'givens' in this civilized world of ours. I remember coming back from living in Palau (as well as another overseas place) and facing the loss of electricity after a snowstorm or a hurricane or whatevaaa. My neighbor who lived in a lovely LARGE colonial house on the hill behind us would call within minutes of finding herself without one of the 'givens.'

"Do you have electricity?"
"How long have you been without electricity?"
"Did you call the utility company?"
"When do you think we will get it back?"

I can remember thinking that there are people who live without electricity for much longer than 30 minutes or three days or whatever crisis hits the U.S. I remember thinking what spoiled brats Americans are...what failures at coping. What a little princess I have living next door. She really needed to be in a condo in the city, but she and her children wanted to go to a certain school and she had to live in a large house surrounded by acres filled with such scary things as deer, fox, ground hogs, etc.

Since my hubby and I loved camping it took us no time to get the fireplace going for warmth or cooking and a lantern or candles for light or brushing our teeth on the back deck since our septic pump didn't work and then we went back to what we were doing.

I will admit that now that I have lived with the 'givens' for a couple of decades, the hurricane two years ago that left us without power for 5 days, WAS a challenge. But it was mostly the challenge of having to wait to get stuff. Long lines and traffic problems without lights.

For my owl friend I will blog next about megapode...not a a parrot but cool none-the-less.

This came from the Palau Visitors Bureau...credit to Kevin Daviso

Pacific Island Memories

My husband and I made a special point of watching the first edition of the new "Survivor" series on TV last week. We are not Survivor fans, (the show sometimes reminds me of all the pain I went through in Junior High School.)

But, this season we made a special point to watch because we had lived in Palau for about seven years back in the late 60's early 70's. The beach where they brought the new survivors was a beach that my daughter had run naked on for many an afternoon...of course she was only two at the time. It is a lovely long beach and we would dig for small clams for soup before we headed home. It was an easy beach to swim or snorkel from as well.

There are many beaches of all shapes and sizes on the islands and if we saw a boat at a beach that we were heading for (on a very rare day), we just turned and went somewhere else. As newlyweds my husband and I could camp overnight and spend most of the day naked on the island. Yep, it was idyllic. Of course, back at our apartment in the town of KOROR we could go for most of the day without electricity or running water. Just depended on generators working and the guy who turned on the water spicket not being drunk.

We lived there before the traffic lights, the television station, etc. So, the only entertainment was a Japanese drive-in movie which showed mostly kung-fu stuff, playing Stratego with other expatriots at the resort hotel or boating. We had a motor boat and a catamaran. Both got lots of use. Maybe, I'll get lucky and go back there some day.

This graveyard is probably really cool on Halloween. It was very Salem witch trial and had lots of captains buried here.

Haaavaaad!

Ah, yes, the infamous bigdig in the foreground looking back to Boston from Little Italy.

Posting hiccups and Boston

This past Friday, I had tried to post comments on a number of the blogs I regularly read...talking electronically...but for some reason...either Blogger problems or Comcast issues, my posts (which were particularly intellectual and insightful, of course) never made it to the blogs!

Then as time passed, I had to leave for a trip. My hubby (with the help of my daughter, as he would have NEVER done this years ago) took me to Boston for the weekend as a surprise for Valentine's Day. Only we went this past weekend instead of Valentine's weekend. I had never been to Boston, but it certainly is a city that is easy to love. And I say this after braving the 20 to 30 degree weather and blasting winds each day! Very easy city to get around in and the food at Little Italy is the best food I have eaten in quite a while-excellent wines as well. One of the waiters introduced me to an Italian rose (not the cloying sweet type) and as soon as I find the notes on it, I will research for my wine blog.

We took in a comedy improve show, saw Blue Man Group, went to Harvard and the Fogg museum (which was my homage to Gilmore Girls-yes I am an addict)and even went to an IMAX show and stopped and shopped in Chinatown at a local store. We also walked and walked and walked to see as much of the Freedom trail as we could with the nasty weather. I'll post a few pics for those who have not been there.

UGH!

Comcast and/or blogger is having a h... of a time getting me to a post window.
Enough time has passed that I have to go upstairs and pack! I am off to Boston.
Will fill you in when I get back!

Coming of Age Stuff

Had a lengthy talk with my son this afternoon after I got home from work. He works for a large network and handles the evening audio work for some of their programs a lucky entry level job he got. He is starting to discover all the sneaky stuff, the insecurity of higher ups, etc in a high pressure industry. Seems that a little scandal with one of the program stars as well as another promotional event that went awry has given him the job jitters. His job is probably still pretty secure, but he has seen people get disciplined for a failure that was not due to their work and it bothers him that the executives don't want to move beyond placing blame...i.e. finding out what happened and trying to prevent it from happening again.

Some of the executive's friends complained about the sound of the promotional program and all the clues lead to the locale and the distributing network--not the original audio engineer who my son thinks is one of the best in the business.

Fortunately my guy is smart enough to realize all the crap that people put themselves through to make themselves feel safe and important. But it doesn't help the bottom line which is to produce an excellent product and to back up good talent. He would make an excellent head of the department---hope he lasts that long.

I have always worked for the public and while never being able to make bonuses or a large salary, I do have job security. That is the trade off. The office politics crap still exists though, if on a smaller and less tense scale. Welome to the real world.

My Bulb Mania

Actually the story on this Amaryllis plant is more interesting, since superMANA commented. I once would buy an amaryllis bulb every year. Then I would put them outside in the spring after blooming and kept them slightly watered and fertilized and then bring them in to go dormant in the fall. In a few years I had dozens of bulblets alongside the bigger bulbs and soon I had about 3 dozen plants blooming each January through March. They would be standing in front of my french doors like wooden soldiers. When I moved to this rental house I knew I had to get a grip. So I donated my babies to the library white elephant sale for $5.00 each. They were huge bulbs and did make some money for the library. Now I am down to five plants--three with potential to bloom. The fifth plant is a Scadoxus multiflorus from South Africa that I bought at the Phildelphia Flower show three years ago and which I have managed to keep going and blooming each spring by treating it the same way. It is an exciting flower and I will take a picture of it when it blooms. Right now it is sitting in the pot looking dead (and surrounded by three --count em---three new babies!).

This is my amaryllus which I have nurtured for 4 years and which brings me an early spring every February! The roses are from my lover.

This is beautiful way that gifts are wrapped in Japan. Clearly the process has just as much importance as the product.

This little group of cats was given to me by a Japanese colleague. I have not idea what the little sign means.

It Just Keeps Getting Better Doesn't It?

Well, I guess it was the blog surfing that I did a few days ago. I kept coming upon entries where people were sick and snuffling and aching and coughing, etc. So, naturally, I caught it! This is the second day I have been home with a sore throat and some sneezing. Not really sick enough to stay home, but not well enough to really go to work since I don't sleep well at night.

On top of this my husband has received some bad health news. His neck ache which he has had on and off for years, is now diagnosed as stenosis of the spine. Which means he has to have spine surgery in March. Without the surgery he is probably going to get worse with an increased numbing of his lower body --- everything below his shoulders --- and eventual paralysis. He has been in excellent health his entire life, so he is not taking this well. He also fears hospitals about 400% more than the average male.

The good news is that the surgery is 97% successful in patients. These are the kinds of percentages that doctors do not throw around carelessly. So, I am comfortable with this news --- at least as comfortable as anyone can be with such serious news. Good thing that there is the Family Sick Leave Act. Between my husband and my daughters birth in April, I will be back in nursing mode in no time.

"And if we can't go back, then what are memories for?"

Pure Land Mountain in a recent blog about going home again also quoted Heraclitus. Much more eloquent than I. A nice post to read.

My Dad

Here is my Dad in front of the proverbial "woodshed" where he has quite a supply of cut wood for the winter. He is just clearing the space in front of the door.

Can this man really be almost 91? He is enjoying this snow!

Tabor, call home

I try to call twice a week to the parents' house. It is kind of strange, but everyone is doing just fine without me. The siblings have worked out a good schedule and Mom actually sounds better although still weak. (We all seem to be surprised (and disappointed?) that she is dying by millimeters and not inches.)

Had a good laugh with my sister during the last call. While talking to Mom (who rarely got stuff straight when she was younger) Mom said that my sister had bought her a vibrator over the Internet because her bottom was so sore and now she really felt good when she used it. (Oh, the images, I am sure you can imagine.) I choked back the laughter until my Sis got on the phone and then chastised her about getting carried away with shopping for mom. Of course, she explained that the 'vibrator' was a chair pad which the nurse had suggested would improve her circulation in the area where she sat for such long periods of time.

I am still putting in my vote for the 'other' vibrator when I get to be 84!

Mechanical--NOT

I am married to an intellectual scientist. He has few practical skills unless you consider the abilty to accurately jibe or to perfectly cast a lure a skill (and yes, some do consider these essential skills). Today he proceeded to pour windshield-washer fluid into the brake fluid port of his monster car. Fortunately, he realized it shortly after he did it! He is now spending a beautifully sunny Saturday at the Ford dealer and it is will cost us $100. UGH UGH UGH

The routine

I am having trouble getting back into a good routine. This is no surprise, but still disconcerting. I try to get up and do my exercise early before work, but sometimes just don't have the energy to even think about it. I try to do the important stuff at work before the rewarding easy stuff that makes it look like a lot is accomplished. But I tend to do the quick and dirty tasks.

I seem to be moving more into a reward thyself mode. I still deal with guilt about spending a Saturday morning sitting and reading instead of shoveling the driveway of snow. I still feel guilty about not tackling the to do lists I have made--actually it does say something that I still make these lists, doesn't it?

I am a puritan at heart. I will never be a total self-indulgent type.

But, overall, I still get driven by wanting to know stuff, to learn stuff. Knowledge is still very sexy to me. But 'should do' gets analyzed rather than done.

A Little Time Warp

I spent all day today with my hubby taking down the Christmas decorations. Packing all the precious little doo dads. Reading all the cards since I left before most of them made it to the house. We have so much catching up to do.

Then we went through our box of things to file. It is about a foot high, so we spent most of the P.M. sorting and filing and destroying.

This afternoon I spent hours trying to figure out my new Sony minicam which I got for Christmas. Took some movies at Christmas at mom and dad's. Trying to discern how to download the files from the digital tape. How to edit them. Cannot get them to write to a DVD although I have a DVD writer on this HP!!! Made a CD and captured the files as MPEG to the PC but the quality is terrible. Edited one short movie with titles and it plays OK but when I sent it to my email the resolution disappeared totally. Does anyone out there know the secret to this?

This is such a headache, I may just stick to a still camera. I thought that I could record to a DVD disk and watch it in high quality on the TV. Thus far I am no where getting even any quality in the video on my PC and my PC won't recognize the file to write to DVD. I would think that software would come with the PC??!!

Made a nice curry with chicken, leftover baked potatoes, white asparagus and mushrooms. It was just he right spicy to go with my wine which I am drinking much of due to the stupid software to hardware issue. Everyone seemed to like it-the curry--not my issues.

Ok, I quit--going to watch some TV and unwind.

Passing Time

The psychology books are all full of insights and analysis of what one goes through when helping or seeing our parents make that passage into and through death. We all handle it differently based on our relationship with our parents as well as our relationship with ourselves. Do we feel anxious about the passage of time or are we resolute in accepting it?

I really want to study the Eastern religions such as Buddhism more because they are more in tune with the now and not so much the past or the future. This thinking also reminds me of Heraclitus (at least I think it was him) who said you never step into the same river twice. The NOW is so precious and so perfect that we must drink it fully and not worry about what follows. I guess it is sort of being willing to relinquish control and just ride the wave, enjoy the cold, taste the wine.

My conservative brother would sit on the couch and say he was 'enjoying' this process. He found it 'fascinating.' Yet, when I talked about this with my sister, she and I both agree that his clinical approach, his cold analysis is how he deals with everything in life. He can watch the person walk in their shoes, but he will never be able to see himself in their shoes.

Back at Home

Tried to submit new blog, but something was not working at this end. Maybe too much snow on the lines?

I made it home in the early evening yesterday. The flight was delayed by an hour and a half...never found out why. So spent a good part of the day in the airport. I had to use miles and the only seat they would give me was first class. I think I flew first class a long time ago. It was a nice change, but expensive on the free miles!

Making a French white bean and ham soup today to counter the cold weather. Son is getting home this afternoon to shovel the driveway and hubby is returning from a trip also this P.M. While I have enjoyed the quiet of the first 24 hours in the house, it will be nice to have family around me again.

It has been over a month since I have been home...long time.

Today is not a day for going outside!

Tying Up the loose ends

I have cleaned out the refrigerator of leftovers and sent Dad shopping for some essentials. I have changed the bedding one last time. I am checking prescriptions, supplies,etc. to make sure that we have enough stuff for at least another week or so.

My brother is going to be with her on Thursday when I leave and through Friday. I hope that his wife comes with him--she is semi-retired. Then my sister will be here on the weekend. Mom is now in a little pain from her tush beginning to get a rash. She moans and groans in her sleep. This is the hard part of caring for someone, keeping their skin from breaking down.

She is in the wheelchair for more moves. It works much better, but the trade-off is that her legs will now get weaker.

I get ot head back east--weather here today was high 60's and sunny. Back east looks miserable. Windy, cold and snowy. UGH!

My Final Week

This is the beginning of my last week before I head back home and try to repair what control I have lost over my job. I feel relief to be coming to an end of my responsibilities, I feel guilt because although my mother gets weaker each day, the more difficult role is going to have to fall to my siblings. I am anxious knowing that I will soon be back this way for a funeral. I am angry at myself for not being stronger in all of this. I live the farthest away and this transistion is going to be the easiest for me, since I don't see my mother more often than once a year.

Today may be the day we have to transition to using the wheel-chair to get back and forth to the bathroom. Her legs work most of the time, but sometimes she cannot move them and she almost collapses. I stand close behind her and am ready to grab her if needed. She is somewhat heavy, so I honestly don't know if I could do anything except slow her collapse.

Last week my Dad was talking about the doctor's diagnosis being inaccurate. I think he thought she was going to die in a matter of weeks and now that she has lasted almost two months, he was keeping some hope. But this week he is seeing her get weaker. She now is getting pain in her side as well. I am giving her over the counter pain pills as the nurse said we could start with the small stuff.

My sister wants me to handle any funeral research. I did this with my youngest sister when she died, but I had her husband to work with. Now I have to try to call the funeral homes nearby and get information all on my own. Mom has already said she wants to be cremated and she doesn't want a funeral at the cemetery. That leaves decisions on a memorial service. While she has lived in this small town for decades, most of her friends have preceded her in death. So, I don't know who the memorial service would be for except family. I think that two of her sisters that are living are too old to travel to the service as well.

Of course in the back of my mind is that in a short time (hopefully years) I will be doing something like this for my dad.

When does the upside of living start again?

Lessons Learned

You spend a lot of time watching television shows that you wouldn't normally watch.

ET can milk a stupid story for more than a week. They repeat stuff at least 50% of the time. So, including previews and commercials and repeats only about 10% of the show is original.

Shows such as Price Is Right and Judge Judy have some very sad and desperate people on them. This is America and I am not surprised the Bush got re-elected now.

Sports figures make way too much money and frequently don't deliver.

Elderly people have very specific routines and usually for very good reasons, but it will take a few mistakes to figure this out.

My parents are very frugal. They can bend a penny sideways and that is why after years of mostly social security, they are financially secure.

People in small towns fit the stereotype of friendliness with strangers. They are very nice and courteous. They ask how your holiday was, make eye contact and actually seem to like people contact.

When taking care of an older weak person, you think that you are spending a lot of time sitting and eldersitting. Yeah, right, just try and watch a movie or read a book!

It doesn't take too many days to begin to appreciate having that second cup of coffee and not having to rush out the door.

Brothers and sisters (at least mine) are worth twice their weight in gold. I may disagree with my mother on things, but she sure raised her kids well!

Bodily functions are not as difficult to deal with as one imagines.

Bronc Busters now wear helmets and what looks like a flack jacket.

Time waits for no man or woman.

A New Connection

My siblings all came over for a family dinner on Sunday. Lots of good sausage, egg pasta, salad, garlic bread, gorgonzola polenta and even chicken! Ice cream for those who had room for dessert.

My sister-in-law helped dye my hair while the rest of the family watched the Green Bay/Vikings game. It was interesting having her help as we have not had a chance to get to know each other well. So there are some good things that come out of bad things.

Then since one of my brother's old laptops that I was using as a dial-up access quit on me, my brother gave me his Apple laptop and set up a dial-up even though this is wireless. Since his OS is more up-to-date, I can now blog from the farmhouse!

We also had a meeting on Friday and over pizza and lots of beer and wine everyone felt it was best that Mom and Dad still stay here at the farmhouse after I head back in two weeks. They are going to rotate on two and three day shifts staying with them. My one brother who can take the least time off, will stay on weekends. The other two will stay throughout the week. We are also hiring a student nurse for 4 hours twice a week to help with the transition times. It will be complicated, but I think Mom will hold up so much better in her own house.

We are all anticpating her going into a coma in the coming weeks. She is awake the whole time they are here, but when they leave she falls asleep immediately. She gets weaker and weaker. I have put some wrapped chocolates near her chair as she loves these. Today she took one and started to unwrap it and then fell asleep. She awoke a few minutes later and then continued to unwrap and fell asleep again. I finally took it from her and unwrapped it and gave it to her. She was releaved.

I can only hope that my passage goes with at least some dignity and little railing and writhing!

Snowy Winter Day

Even though we have about 6 inches of snow, Dad still goes out for the warm lunch at the Center. I hope I have the same fearlessness and driving skills at 90. Considering that I don't feel that confident her in my fifties, I don't know that I will in a few decades.

Today is the 5th of January. I hope to post all the previous blogs I have put on this computer and today's blog up tomorrow. There is a wireless coffee shop downtown, and if the roads are a little better, I will head out that way and sneak some time from the caretaking. I have gone through the routine enough that I have a good idea of how long I can leave them. Dad may sleep through Mom's call--but if I get her set before I leave, then I should be OK.

The Other Legs of the Stool

When you are helping someone with the hospice process it is hard work. But it is even more difficult if the person in hospice is close to you. If I did not have my two brothers and one sister, this job would take an even greater toll on my physical and mental health. It is the breaks that they give me and the ability to talk to someone else who has a vested interest in the outcome of this process that are my fresh air.

They are each pretty different in their approach to this challenge. The brother closest in age to me is probably the most conservative in his approach. He talks about it very little and only in the most practical and business-like terms. He isn't big on hands-on care and prefers to talk mom to the bathroom or the dinner table from across the room. He tends to approach her as if she is a stroke victim and just needs verbal reminders as a form of therapy. Since his retirement he is big on cooking and regularly brings lots of food for us. His wife is from Europe and a very nurturing person. She views my mother as her mother in some ways since she has lost both of her parents and does not have immediate relatives her or in Europe except for her two sons from a prior marriage. It would be so easy to put more of this burden on her, but I am trying very hard to avoid that. She has been a good balance for my brother who might have turned into a stuffy old professor type without her enthusiasm and daring. She has gotten on my other siblings nerves because she gets involved and forces us to make firm decisions and move forward. She is also manipulative in a sweet way and that makes my sister angry.

My 'baby' brother is also more hands-off (the nature of most males) but his upbeat personality and joking nature are a real upper for my mother. He is the one who immediately repairs something around the house or outside if you mention it as a problem. He has a small construction company and works about 7.5 days a week. Both here at the farm and now more frequently on a duplex rental unit he has purchased as security for his retirement. Yesterday he came to move the outside mailbox which now sits behind a semi-permanent puddle of ice on the north side of a tall fence. Now it is closer to the driveway gate so my Dad doesn't ice skate to pick up the mail.

My younger sister is very hands-on and also continually buying things for them. She and her husband are attorneys with only one grown step-son, so money is readily available to them. Still, I know people who have money and are not generous at all. (The husband of my late sister comes to mind.) My sister had taken Mom through her first battle with cancer and so she has dealt with the ugliness of this process. I truly think that we have given Mom her dignity by being as practical and nonchalant as possible with her accidents. She bemoans her weakness but not in any long term way that brings us down.

We are all getting together for dinner this coming Thursday (6th) and talk about making permanent plans in moving my parents when I leave and head back home on the 21st. This meeting was motivated by my sister-in-law...so the siblings are a little miffed.

Mom needs someone with her all the time. If she falls, Dad cannot lift her. If she doesn't get bathroom care, her hygiene falls by the wayside.

Well, enough about the sibs. I am making a spaghetti Sunday dinner which has always been a tradition with my parents. Although, I am not cooking the traditional fried chicken...just the pasta, garlic bread, green beans with garlic and a nice green salad.

Roller Coaster Ride

I have been home (at my parents house) since December 16. As most people know going back into the house where you lived as a teenager brings up a whole marketbasket of feelings. Decades have past and nothing has really changed. I am sleeping in my brothers' bedroom. My old room has a bed that fits like a hammock and my back can't take that so I have chosen their bedroom. The bedspreads have changed, but wall color, drapes and carpeting are the same. Midwestern farmer types do not spend money freely. Our high school graduation pictures still sit on the dresser. Strangely shaped bottles from college binges also line up like souvenir soldiers.

There are old school papers in the closet, cheap toys that my kids used to play with when they visited and books of all types and sizes.

Mom and Dad and I have started to work out a routine. I think that Dad is relieved to be handing over most of the caretaker duties to me. He can actually leave the house for longer periods of time. His day usually consists of turning up the two heaters and maybe starting a fire in the wood stove at 6:00. He still chops his own wood at 90! Then I get up and make coffee and we sort of start our day together over the morning news and some chit chat. At 7:00 I get Mom up and get everyone breakfast. They have been relying primarily on cold cereal, but seem pleased to have me fix oatmeal, pancakes or eggs every once in a while. Depending on whether a nurse's aide is coming I will get Mom dressed in a clean new nightgown and new socks and comb her hair. If we are expecting company such as over the holidays, I will get out the makeup so she looks more lively. (We had over fifteen for Christmas from California, Colorado and Maryland--I think it was one of the best holidays in memory in spite of the circumstances.)

Then Dad gets the newspaper, turns down the heaters and either he or I empty Mom's potty chair by the bed. He does dishes and then gets cleaned up mid-morning to head for the senior center downtown where he serves the lunch and coffee, eats his lunch, does the dishes and then brings home Mom's lunch. The senior center used to be their primary social activity and the big warm daily meal when they went together. Now, Dad waits on the 70 to 80 somethings that eat down there! On Fridays he heads out to visit his friend for the afternoon.

The first week was an emotional swinging ride for me. I kept the day busy with chores, organizing and cleaning this old house. But as nightfall came I would realize why I was here and find myself choking back the tears or crying myself to sleep.

Mom has lost bladder and is losing bowel control and her legs are weak. We make it together to the bathroom 4 to 5 times a day. I have to hold her nightgown over her shoulders so that she can concentrate on sitting on the commode. I also have to wipe her rear end as she can't do it as well as it needs to be done. We have nurses assistants come in about 4 times a week from the hospice program to help bathe her, cut her nails, brush her dentures and/or set her hair. A nurse is now coming in weekly to monitor her life signs. Every other week we get a chaplain although neither of my parents are religious, they do enjoy this visit. She needs the care of a two-year-old, but every single person that comes in loves her as they find her so upbeat and friendly, unlike many of their patients, I am sure. She will stutter over her words as she gets tired and then laugh and tell them she speaks a 'foreign' language or that she speaks three languages at the same time.

This is a bit of a conflict for me, because she was a really stubborn and set-in-her-ways mother when I was growing up and even when I became an adult. I could never please her with whatever gift I brought or whatever idea I had. So, I guess my first blessing in this process is that she is mellowing out.

Some days she realizes that she has a terminal illness and other days she acts as though I am here to just help get her back on her feet.

We have tried working on leg exercises to strengthen her a little. The hospice program does not support that kind of therapy. They do nothing that would prolong her dying. She does sleep about 80% of the time. I fill that time with checking emails via modem and my brothers computer, working on the quilt for my daughter, reading, watching TV and some exercising. The next blog I will talk about the siblings.

Finally Got Some Blog Time

I am sitting here in a charming little coffee house on main street of this tiny farming town. I can't imagine how they make any money, but the waitress is cleaning off all the tables, so they must have had some lunch customers. When I get out into the rural west, I am reminded of how people struggle from day to day to make ends meet. When on the east coast the upper middle class is so evident, that I tend to forget about the rest of the world.

There is one woman about my age sitting at a table reading a book and sipping coffee...must be retired.

I left Dad with Mom and I am sure he is sleeping by now. He has had a long day.

I have to go out to K-mart after this entry and get some stuff. He was trying to give me directions, but I think I will just drive out to the nearby city and see if I can find it...because the directions were really confusing.

I have written a couple of blogs at home and will post them following this.